Setting Me Free

It was nearly 9 months ago that I shared this message with our church at East Hills. I have been living this story out among those with whom I am in close contact. But I think the time has come to begin sharing the story with a wider audience. If you read this blog regularly (as if I write all that regularly!) this may be a level of authenticity beyond what you are accustomed to, but I believe it's necessary if we are ever going to honestly face our struggles with each other and find grace to change.

Getting Unstuck

Let me take a minute and tell you why this topic is so important to me, and why to a degree I have the ability to bring some unique perspective. Today, I am not simply talking about addictions through the lens of others and their experience. I am not merely telling you about the hope and healing that others have discovered. Today, I have been sharing through the lens of my own addiction, and in the joy of hope and healing that I have found.

Yes, I did say my own addiction. For some of you, it may be incredibly disconcerting to hear your pastor use that word of himself. For others, it may be incredibly freeing to hear that your pastor is a normal human being. But no matter your reaction, the truth remains. I was an addict. In my late teens, I began regularly viewing pornographic magazines. In college, access to the internet took this obsession to a whole new level. I loved Jesus and was even preparing to serve Him in full-time ministry, and yet this battle raged on in my soul. The emotion final bubbled over during those college years into confession to a good friend who became my accountability partner. “Finally,” I thought, “now that it’s in the open I will be free of it.”

But the opposite actually proved to be true. Without sufficient resources to truly change in a deep way, the behavior continued with more shame and guilt than ever before. So began a painful cycle of acting out, hiding behavior and living in shame, until I could bear it no more and confession would occur. This binge-purge cycle of sin continued into my marriage and into ministry. Mistakes would be made, and so more promises and commitments would be given to those who loved me and trusted me. And though some growth occurred and periods of abstinence were observed, the addiction continued.

In this system of sin-management, I convinced myself that I was doing okay. Sure, it cropped up from time to time, but surely I wasn’t as bad as others and I thought that if I just kept believing and praying, sooner or later it would go away. Well, it didn’t. Fourteen months ago, I was still stuck. But at this time, God gave me a tremendous gift- the gift of pain. He opened my eyes to see how my behaviors, that I thought were “minor”, were subtly yet steadily destroying my wife, my ministry and even my faith.

For the first time in my life I realized that sin-management was not enough. Real change- deep change- had to occur, but I didn’t know where to begin. At the time, God brought a precious gift to my wife and I through our district office. At our annual conference, they announced a partnership with Ted Roberts and his ministry, Pure Desire out of Portland. In May of last year, we begin an intense and intentional process with Ted and his wife, Diane, pastors themselves and experts on addiction and recovery. We sat with counselors who loved Jesus, understood the human heart and the human brain, and who knew a path to freedom. We began attending a weekly support and recovery group in Chehalis- me for sexual addicts and my wife for those who had been hurt by them. For the first time I was able to process my life’s journey and find that pornography was not the real problem to be dealt with- it was a symptom of much deeper issues in my life. Because of deep needs I had for finding my value through performance and my identity through success, I became hooked on the false promises of pornography as a way to medicate my pain and disappointment. Making this connection took me from behavior management to deep heart change.

And for the first time in my life, I was able to face the lies of Satan that were operating in the background of my life. Because of this addiction, I had believed myself to be a bad person- someone whom God tolerated because of how hard I worked for Him. Through the patient love and grace of the Roberts and others, I have discovered the awesome and life-changing reality of God’s love. What was once just words has now truly become the cornerstone of my life.

So, I stand before you today as a recovering addict. I know that I must now and forever be on my guard against sliding back in this direction, BUT I am healthier than I have ever been. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. And I am a better pastor than I have ever been- not because of growth in skill, but because of change of heart. I no longer have to serve God to find his approval and love; I am finally free to serve Him, and you, because He already loves and approves of me.

What I am confident of, as Paul tells us in Romans 8, is that God is at work in this situation for His good and for His glory. What has happened in my life and in our marriage is not for me alone, but it is also for you. The freedom I have found is no credit to me: it is because someone who knew the way showed it to me and walked the path with me in order help me truly find Christ and his power to set us free.

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Over the last 9 months, a group of men at EHA has walked this journey with me, discovering freedom on their own journey. It has been such an awesome privilege to watch others move from places of isolation, secrecy and shame to a place of hope, health and healing.

Our country, I believe, is entering into an era where young men will be over-run by their sexuality like a freight train before they even know what's going on. Porn is so main-stream that it is almost unavoidable. My hope and my prayer is that God can use me, our church, and others like us around the country to sound a clear call of change. Freedom is possible, and it feels amazing!

Journey in His peace-

Nick

Double Homicide for the Soul

Earlier this year, I spent a couple of hours at the county jail. Before you go too far down the, "what did Nick do" line, let me just disclose that I occasionally fill in as the Thursday afternoon chaplain for guys who are in lock up. I do this a couple of times a year, and usually I meet with a few guys who are awaiting trial for some kind of drug-related charges. Guys in jail can request to meet with a pastor and anyone can request this meeting.

So on this particular day, I found myself face to face with a guy who looked...well, for lack of a better word, normal. Nothing about his appearance would suggest hardened criminal, or even a recreational drug user for that matter. His hair was neatly cut and his appearance to me was of a kind, middle-aged man. Not long into our conversation, though, I discovered that he was awaiting charges on double homicide. In a fit of rage and regret, he had busted in on his ex-lover and her current lover and shot them both to death.

It was a unique feeling that day to listen to this man's story; to hear his remorse, his fear, and his anger come spilling out. He didn't care much about what stripe of faith I was from- he saw me as a priest to whom he could confess and then ask if God could possibly forgive. My faith and my Bible tell me that God forgives all, and I told him as much. I did the best I could to speak hope and peace into a situation that had very little.

Yesterday, that man was sentenced to over 70 years in prison; an essential life sentence. Not only had he ended the lives of two others, but he had in a very real sense ended his own life. And as I look back, I find two compelling thoughts coming to mind. From my view, these two aspects of life are both like homicide for your soul; actions that can bring a quick end to the life, joy, and peace that God wants to bring.

First, I would say never underestimate the cumulative power of many small, bad decisions. Up until Mr. Feeney went and got his gun, his story could sound like many thousands of others- jilted in love, discouraged by relationships, feeling alone, and uncertain of himself. Nothing in his story was evil or horrid. He was just a guy who kept making bad decisions about relationships and how he would respond to them.

Now, I am not trying to suggest that any of you are on the verge of murder. But I do think it's worth pausing and reflecting on the truth that no one plans to do that one thing that will destroy a job, a marriage, or a life. We don't plan to go off the deep end. Very often, though, we do continue to make a string of bad decisions, convincing ourselves all the way that it won't catch up with us. We isolate from our spouses, skip out on church, drive past the gym, eat the extra cookie, buy more than we can afford, stray on-line a bit- little things perhaps in and of themselves. But all of these can indicate a direction in life. Would you be willing today to look at the cumulative choices of your life and ask, "what direction am I headed in?"

A second thought is this: the way we respond to hurt and pain will either bring us life or death. I was saddened and amazed, but not surprised, to read of one family member of the deceased saying in court, "We will never forgive you." I'm sure this raw emotion was and is completely warranted, but I found myself thinking, "how sad. You lost your loved one and now you are in danger of killing your own soul." Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness have a powerful way of working into our psyche and destroying us from within. It has been said that it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. But we are the ones who ultimately pay.

Bitterness or unforgiveness give us the illusion that we are somehow punishing or controlling the one who has hurt us. The truth, however, is that we have no ultimate control over others. We can choose to be bitter and angry, and that other person can also choose not to care. We try to punish them but only punish ourselves. I hope the family member who stated this finds a path to forgiveness- not because Mr. Feeney does or doesn't deserve it, but because I know the power forgiveness has to bring life.

So, perhaps these ramblings will provide some perspective for you today. It's not every day we have a front row seat to watching a life unravel, but when we do it's a good opportunity to learn and to grow.

May your season be marked by Love, Joy and Peace in Christ-
Nick

A Psalm for the Rest of Us: By Heman

If I'm honest, one of the things that frustrates me about the Bible is how it can be so hard to relate to. Burning bushes, parting seas, man-eating fish, and bread from heaven all make for awesome stories. But my life consists of burning toast, parting my daughter's hair, and bread from Safeway. I'm inspired by the miracles, moved by the stories of Christ, and even touched by angels (or at least the stories of them). My life, however, seems so much more...well, normal than that.

That's one of things that draws me to the Psalms. These songs are raw emotions of praise and pain, confidence and confession. These Psalms teach me how to pray and how to find trust amdist the daily grind of life. The Psalms express belief and trust in God in language that I often adopt for myself. Even when I am not feeling the same level of trust as the psalmists, I can speak their words in faith, "God, you are my Rock and my Redeemer."

But I recently ran across a Psalm that may be my new favorite. Psalm 88 starts out like this, "O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day, I come to you by night." So far, pretty typical stuff. The rest of the Psalm sounds like this:
My life is full of troubles...
I am as good as dead...
I am forgotten...
You have thrown me down to the lowest pits...
Your anger weighs me down...
You have driven my friends away...
My eyes are blinded by tears...
O Lord, why do you reject me...
Your terrors paralyze me...
You have taken away my companions...
My life really stinks and you God aren't helping...

Okay, I may have paraphrased that last one, but you get the gist. This is a lament; a man pouring out his heart to God. Now, typically we expect the Psalm to end with some rousing declaration of trust. We are accustomed to these Psalms ending with an "even yet will I trust you" kind of phrase. But for whatever reason, the author (his name is actually Heman) doesn't have it in him to go there. You know how our friend Heman ends?

Darkness is my closest friend.

Amen. End of Psalm. Nothing more. I can only imagine the awkward pause that must of followed the singing of this hymn in ancient Jerusalem.

By now, you might be thinking, "Didn't Nick say this was a new favorite? What kind of weird theology has entered into his brain to make this a favorite?" Fair enough. But here's where I am at. I like knowing that we can go to God, vent, complain and pour out our hearts. And at the end, we don't have to wrap it all up and sound spiritual. God doesn't need us to pander to him with half-hearted sentiments or veiled attempts at praise. To me, this Psalm grants you and I permission to go to God when life is crummy and not walk away expecting some instantaneous pick me up. It's an acknowledgement that sometimes life is hard and God doesn't have to show up and immediately fix my problems. This Psalm reminds me that it's okay to be real and that in some way, shape, or form, God appreciates the honesty.

So, maybe the most spiritual thing you could do today is vent. Tell God how you really feel. And if nothing happens, you can have peace knowing you join a long line of Heman's who have felt the same way. God still hears. God still records every word. And at some point, maybe in the next Psalm, the next day, or the next season, you will see His goodness and faithfulness again.

Until then, I'm glad to be on a journey of faith with other Hemans,

Nick

Three Little Letters

Interesting, isn't it, how big of a difference three little letters can make?

Take for example the words humility and humiliate. On some level, we would all like more humility in our lives. We value that ability to have a fair, honest, and humble assessment of ourselves that keeps us from being big-headed and arrogant. Have you ever heard a friend say that they don't want humility? I haven't.

On the other hand, no one I know wants to be humiliated. Year after year, one of the top three fears for Americans is public speaking (mixed in with spiders and heights, I think). We talk all the time, so why fear public speaking? Because we might say something embarrassing, or trip over our words, or fumble around and that would be...you guessed it, humiliating. We tend to work very hard to avoid situations that might humiliate us.

Have you ever considered our power to choose between these two words? The way I see it, we are daily making the choice between humility or the inevitability of being humiliated. Here's how I understand the difference. Jesus said that, "Everything that is hidden or secret will eventually be brought to light and made plain to all." (Luke 8) Think about that- everything. All our "hidden" thoughts, motives and actions. The behaviors or attitudes we work very hard to keep from others. The mistakes we have made that we keep out of view. All of it made plain for everyone to see. This does not sound pleasant!

But here is where our choice comes in to play. When we choose to face truth about ourselves in the presence of others we are actively pursuing humility. Simply put, this is a definition of confession. The truth may not be pleasant, but in choosing to reveal it rather than hide it, we discover humility. The opposite is also true. When we choose to ignore truth about ourselves and attempt to mask or cover anything unpleasant about us, we are actively choosing humiliation. Oh sure, maybe not humiliation in the immediate context, but sooner or later our hidden lives have a way of becoming public, don't they? And what's even more, Jesus suggests in Luke 8 that even if we manage to keep all the ugly covered up in this life, it will be uncovered in the life to come. One way or another, truth surfaces and we face the music.

So, my challenge lately has been to choose truth now rather later. Deal with what is unpleasant today because it will only be worse tomorrow. And each time I make this choice, I point my life towards humility. And I would much rather be headed there than to blunder blindly on until humiliation finds me. Because eventually, it always will.

May you choose for humility this week as you journey on...
Peace!

Nick

Prayer/Life

As many of you know, a primary purpose for our trip to Bosnia was to pray for the city of Sarajevo, the people, and the church. This happened in many different ways: prayer walks through neighborhoods, team gatherings at Izvor or our lodgings, and even praying with the local church at their weekly prayer meetings.

One encouraging aspect of all this praying is that prayer became a regular part of life while we were there. Our team was so comfortable and accustomed to praying with one another that any time and any circumstance could become reason for prayer. For example, on Friday night, we were riding the tram back to our lodging after working at Izvor to prepare for the open house. The tram at that hour of day was filled with 20-somethings who were all dressed up and on their way to the clubs and coffee houses. As we stepped off the train, I found myself thinking about how unreached this group is in Sarajevo. They are hungry for something, and desperately seeking life in all the wrong places. A few of us were walking together, and so I simply started praying for these young adults and asking God to fill them with hope and love. When I finished, a few others in our group who were walking ahead of us turned around and said, "we just prayed the same thing!" This was a common occurrence- what we saw and experienced got translated into prayer as it was happening.

If I could bring anything back to my day to day living in the States, it would be this dynamic. How often do I get caught up in my routines and my schedule and forget to pray? More often than I'd like to admit. With our prayer focus in Sarajevo, I began to understand what it meant to "pray without ceasing." When you pray often enough, your heart starts turning to prayer without your conscious brain even putting thought to it.

I want my heart to be so connected to the Father that I act this way all the time. I want to see the line between my normal life and my prayer life begin to blur until it's just prayer/life together. In Sarajevo, we developed the sense that we were walking through each day with Christ. Could it not be the same here? I believe it could be, but I know it takes a focus and a determination to return regularly to Father. But I am encouraged to think that if I will do this often enough, prayer can and will become second nature. Prayer will become like breathing in and breathing out.

May you walk with Jesus through this day and find your journey filled with prayer-

Peace,
Nick