Do find yourself afraid to pray out loud? I have often noted at small gatherings that most people feel uncomfortable praying out loud. Perhaps we lack the confidence or we fear that others will find our prayers "unspiritual" or just too plain.
I find it helpful to know that even the disciples of Jesus wrestled with exactly how to pray. They came to Jesus one afternoon and said, "Rabbi, teach us to pray!" Jesus responded with the most well-known prayer of all time. Well, at least it is now. When Jesus spoke it, though, he was praying from the heart. The "Lord's Prayer" is still uttered on a weekly basis in places as diverse as monumental cathedrals to sweaty, high school locker rooms before the big game.
But did you know that for thousands of years, when people asked "How should we pray?", they were directed towards a single book? The book was a collection of prayers, poems and songs that revealed how prayer could come from any emotion, any part of life, and any person. We call this book Psalms.
I am reflecting today on Psalm 38. In this prayer, the author David is having a rough day. We don't know why exactly. Many of his other writings start with headings that cue us in to the situation he was facing. This one in particular simply states, "A psalm of David, asking God to remember him." In other words, David was having one of those rough days where it felt like God had forgotten about him. Ever have one of those? Me too.
Here's what I really love about this prayer: it's so intense! David reacts to this sense of God's-far-offness with a candor and emotion that are rare today. He declares:
I am bent over and racked with pain- all day long I walk around filled with grief.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind.
I am on the verge of collapse, facing constant pain.
And what did he most long for and desire?
For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
David takes the distance he feels between himself and God very, very seriously. He recognizes that without God's presence and nearness, he is lost and without hope. The cornerstone of David's life was walking closely with God.
I find myself wondering today if I ever approach God like this. When God seems far off, how do I respond? Usually with a short prayer, and then a lot of self-effort. I don't feel right, so I pour my energy into exercising, eating better, relaxing with family or friends, and finding other things to fill up the space. But David's prayer reminds me today that wholeness apart from the nearness of God is impossible. I want to carry David's attitude of prayer into my searching for more of God. I don't want to have this meager attempt to cry out to God; where, if He doesn't answer or respond in the way I would like, I move on. David had the ability to remain. To wait. To focus. Because He believed that unless God responded, all else was in vain.
Could I pray like that? Could you pray like that?
Lord, increase our faith!
May you wait on Him as you journey on. Peace-
Nick
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Ironic Mark
This weekend, I preached from Revelation 13 and one of the points I made was that the mark of the beast is not a literal mark that we need to be on guard against. (If you missed it, head here: http://www.easthillsalliance.org/media.php?pageID=5) The idea that a social security number or a computer chip could be the mark of the beast is preposterous to me. Afterwards, I had someone approach me and ask, "Did you come across the Exodus 13:16 connection?"
I think the blank expression on my face answered the question for me. He proceeded to take out his Bible and flip to the book of Exodus. "Here, read this," he said, "I happened to stumble across it and find it pretty amazing."
Exodus 13:16 reads, "And it will be like a sign on your hand and a symbol on your forehead that the Lord brought us out of Egypt with his mighty hand." The "it" in this passage was the Jewish practice of redeeming their firstborn sons by some other sacrifice to God. So the sign on their hand and the symbol on their forehead really wasn't a visible mark at all, but a metaphor for what their actions would say about their allegiance to God.
Ironically, Revelation 13:16 (notice same chapter and verse) says, "He (the beast) also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead." The apostle John had no idea that these two references would line up so perfectly, but I believe firmly that John did know exactly what had been written in Exodus, and so did his readers. The mark of the beast was never intended to be a literal mark, but a metaphor by which an action or way of life reveals our allegiance, either to God or to things opposed to God. When you put this all together with Revelation 14:1- a host also "marked" by the name of God, the picture is pretty clear. This host in Revelation 14 is known for their purity, their devotion, and their truth. These actions marked them as an army that stood with the Lamb.
So, there's some interesting Bible trivia for you today! But more than that, these verses are a solid reminder that a life in and for Christ has less to do with what you wear or how you look, and much more to do with the way you live your life. What do your actions reveal about your allegiance today?
May you be marked by God as you follow Him. Journey on-
Nick
I think the blank expression on my face answered the question for me. He proceeded to take out his Bible and flip to the book of Exodus. "Here, read this," he said, "I happened to stumble across it and find it pretty amazing."
Exodus 13:16 reads, "And it will be like a sign on your hand and a symbol on your forehead that the Lord brought us out of Egypt with his mighty hand." The "it" in this passage was the Jewish practice of redeeming their firstborn sons by some other sacrifice to God. So the sign on their hand and the symbol on their forehead really wasn't a visible mark at all, but a metaphor for what their actions would say about their allegiance to God.
Ironically, Revelation 13:16 (notice same chapter and verse) says, "He (the beast) also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead." The apostle John had no idea that these two references would line up so perfectly, but I believe firmly that John did know exactly what had been written in Exodus, and so did his readers. The mark of the beast was never intended to be a literal mark, but a metaphor by which an action or way of life reveals our allegiance, either to God or to things opposed to God. When you put this all together with Revelation 14:1- a host also "marked" by the name of God, the picture is pretty clear. This host in Revelation 14 is known for their purity, their devotion, and their truth. These actions marked them as an army that stood with the Lamb.
So, there's some interesting Bible trivia for you today! But more than that, these verses are a solid reminder that a life in and for Christ has less to do with what you wear or how you look, and much more to do with the way you live your life. What do your actions reveal about your allegiance today?
May you be marked by God as you follow Him. Journey on-
Nick
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Setting Me Free
It was nearly 9 months ago that I shared this message with our church at East Hills. I have been living this story out among those with whom I am in close contact. But I think the time has come to begin sharing the story with a wider audience. If you read this blog regularly (as if I write all that regularly!) this may be a level of authenticity beyond what you are accustomed to, but I believe it's necessary if we are ever going to honestly face our struggles with each other and find grace to change.
Getting Unstuck
Let me take a minute and tell you why this topic is so important to me, and why to a degree I have the ability to bring some unique perspective. Today, I am not simply talking about addictions through the lens of others and their experience. I am not merely telling you about the hope and healing that others have discovered. Today, I have been sharing through the lens of my own addiction, and in the joy of hope and healing that I have found.
Yes, I did say my own addiction. For some of you, it may be incredibly disconcerting to hear your pastor use that word of himself. For others, it may be incredibly freeing to hear that your pastor is a normal human being. But no matter your reaction, the truth remains. I was an addict. In my late teens, I began regularly viewing pornographic magazines. In college, access to the internet took this obsession to a whole new level. I loved Jesus and was even preparing to serve Him in full-time ministry, and yet this battle raged on in my soul. The emotion final bubbled over during those college years into confession to a good friend who became my accountability partner. “Finally,” I thought, “now that it’s in the open I will be free of it.”
But the opposite actually proved to be true. Without sufficient resources to truly change in a deep way, the behavior continued with more shame and guilt than ever before. So began a painful cycle of acting out, hiding behavior and living in shame, until I could bear it no more and confession would occur. This binge-purge cycle of sin continued into my marriage and into ministry. Mistakes would be made, and so more promises and commitments would be given to those who loved me and trusted me. And though some growth occurred and periods of abstinence were observed, the addiction continued.
In this system of sin-management, I convinced myself that I was doing okay. Sure, it cropped up from time to time, but surely I wasn’t as bad as others and I thought that if I just kept believing and praying, sooner or later it would go away. Well, it didn’t. Fourteen months ago, I was still stuck. But at this time, God gave me a tremendous gift- the gift of pain. He opened my eyes to see how my behaviors, that I thought were “minor”, were subtly yet steadily destroying my wife, my ministry and even my faith.
For the first time in my life I realized that sin-management was not enough. Real change- deep change- had to occur, but I didn’t know where to begin. At the time, God brought a precious gift to my wife and I through our district office. At our annual conference, they announced a partnership with Ted Roberts and his ministry, Pure Desire out of Portland. In May of last year, we begin an intense and intentional process with Ted and his wife, Diane, pastors themselves and experts on addiction and recovery. We sat with counselors who loved Jesus, understood the human heart and the human brain, and who knew a path to freedom. We began attending a weekly support and recovery group in Chehalis- me for sexual addicts and my wife for those who had been hurt by them. For the first time I was able to process my life’s journey and find that pornography was not the real problem to be dealt with- it was a symptom of much deeper issues in my life. Because of deep needs I had for finding my value through performance and my identity through success, I became hooked on the false promises of pornography as a way to medicate my pain and disappointment. Making this connection took me from behavior management to deep heart change.
And for the first time in my life, I was able to face the lies of Satan that were operating in the background of my life. Because of this addiction, I had believed myself to be a bad person- someone whom God tolerated because of how hard I worked for Him. Through the patient love and grace of the Roberts and others, I have discovered the awesome and life-changing reality of God’s love. What was once just words has now truly become the cornerstone of my life.
So, I stand before you today as a recovering addict. I know that I must now and forever be on my guard against sliding back in this direction, BUT I am healthier than I have ever been. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. And I am a better pastor than I have ever been- not because of growth in skill, but because of change of heart. I no longer have to serve God to find his approval and love; I am finally free to serve Him, and you, because He already loves and approves of me.
What I am confident of, as Paul tells us in Romans 8, is that God is at work in this situation for His good and for His glory. What has happened in my life and in our marriage is not for me alone, but it is also for you. The freedom I have found is no credit to me: it is because someone who knew the way showed it to me and walked the path with me in order help me truly find Christ and his power to set us free.
-------
Over the last 9 months, a group of men at EHA has walked this journey with me, discovering freedom on their own journey. It has been such an awesome privilege to watch others move from places of isolation, secrecy and shame to a place of hope, health and healing.
Our country, I believe, is entering into an era where young men will be over-run by their sexuality like a freight train before they even know what's going on. Porn is so main-stream that it is almost unavoidable. My hope and my prayer is that God can use me, our church, and others like us around the country to sound a clear call of change. Freedom is possible, and it feels amazing!
Journey in His peace-
Nick
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Double Homicide for the Soul
Earlier this year, I spent a couple of hours at the county jail. Before you go too far down the, "what did Nick do" line, let me just disclose that I occasionally fill in as the Thursday afternoon chaplain for guys who are in lock up. I do this a couple of times a year, and usually I meet with a few guys who are awaiting trial for some kind of drug-related charges. Guys in jail can request to meet with a pastor and anyone can request this meeting.
So on this particular day, I found myself face to face with a guy who looked...well, for lack of a better word, normal. Nothing about his appearance would suggest hardened criminal, or even a recreational drug user for that matter. His hair was neatly cut and his appearance to me was of a kind, middle-aged man. Not long into our conversation, though, I discovered that he was awaiting charges on double homicide. In a fit of rage and regret, he had busted in on his ex-lover and her current lover and shot them both to death.
It was a unique feeling that day to listen to this man's story; to hear his remorse, his fear, and his anger come spilling out. He didn't care much about what stripe of faith I was from- he saw me as a priest to whom he could confess and then ask if God could possibly forgive. My faith and my Bible tell me that God forgives all, and I told him as much. I did the best I could to speak hope and peace into a situation that had very little.
Yesterday, that man was sentenced to over 70 years in prison; an essential life sentence. Not only had he ended the lives of two others, but he had in a very real sense ended his own life. And as I look back, I find two compelling thoughts coming to mind. From my view, these two aspects of life are both like homicide for your soul; actions that can bring a quick end to the life, joy, and peace that God wants to bring.
First, I would say never underestimate the cumulative power of many small, bad decisions. Up until Mr. Feeney went and got his gun, his story could sound like many thousands of others- jilted in love, discouraged by relationships, feeling alone, and uncertain of himself. Nothing in his story was evil or horrid. He was just a guy who kept making bad decisions about relationships and how he would respond to them.
Now, I am not trying to suggest that any of you are on the verge of murder. But I do think it's worth pausing and reflecting on the truth that no one plans to do that one thing that will destroy a job, a marriage, or a life. We don't plan to go off the deep end. Very often, though, we do continue to make a string of bad decisions, convincing ourselves all the way that it won't catch up with us. We isolate from our spouses, skip out on church, drive past the gym, eat the extra cookie, buy more than we can afford, stray on-line a bit- little things perhaps in and of themselves. But all of these can indicate a direction in life. Would you be willing today to look at the cumulative choices of your life and ask, "what direction am I headed in?"
A second thought is this: the way we respond to hurt and pain will either bring us life or death. I was saddened and amazed, but not surprised, to read of one family member of the deceased saying in court, "We will never forgive you." I'm sure this raw emotion was and is completely warranted, but I found myself thinking, "how sad. You lost your loved one and now you are in danger of killing your own soul." Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness have a powerful way of working into our psyche and destroying us from within. It has been said that it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. But we are the ones who ultimately pay.
Bitterness or unforgiveness give us the illusion that we are somehow punishing or controlling the one who has hurt us. The truth, however, is that we have no ultimate control over others. We can choose to be bitter and angry, and that other person can also choose not to care. We try to punish them but only punish ourselves. I hope the family member who stated this finds a path to forgiveness- not because Mr. Feeney does or doesn't deserve it, but because I know the power forgiveness has to bring life.
So, perhaps these ramblings will provide some perspective for you today. It's not every day we have a front row seat to watching a life unravel, but when we do it's a good opportunity to learn and to grow.
May your season be marked by Love, Joy and Peace in Christ-
Nick
So on this particular day, I found myself face to face with a guy who looked...well, for lack of a better word, normal. Nothing about his appearance would suggest hardened criminal, or even a recreational drug user for that matter. His hair was neatly cut and his appearance to me was of a kind, middle-aged man. Not long into our conversation, though, I discovered that he was awaiting charges on double homicide. In a fit of rage and regret, he had busted in on his ex-lover and her current lover and shot them both to death.
It was a unique feeling that day to listen to this man's story; to hear his remorse, his fear, and his anger come spilling out. He didn't care much about what stripe of faith I was from- he saw me as a priest to whom he could confess and then ask if God could possibly forgive. My faith and my Bible tell me that God forgives all, and I told him as much. I did the best I could to speak hope and peace into a situation that had very little.
Yesterday, that man was sentenced to over 70 years in prison; an essential life sentence. Not only had he ended the lives of two others, but he had in a very real sense ended his own life. And as I look back, I find two compelling thoughts coming to mind. From my view, these two aspects of life are both like homicide for your soul; actions that can bring a quick end to the life, joy, and peace that God wants to bring.
First, I would say never underestimate the cumulative power of many small, bad decisions. Up until Mr. Feeney went and got his gun, his story could sound like many thousands of others- jilted in love, discouraged by relationships, feeling alone, and uncertain of himself. Nothing in his story was evil or horrid. He was just a guy who kept making bad decisions about relationships and how he would respond to them.
Now, I am not trying to suggest that any of you are on the verge of murder. But I do think it's worth pausing and reflecting on the truth that no one plans to do that one thing that will destroy a job, a marriage, or a life. We don't plan to go off the deep end. Very often, though, we do continue to make a string of bad decisions, convincing ourselves all the way that it won't catch up with us. We isolate from our spouses, skip out on church, drive past the gym, eat the extra cookie, buy more than we can afford, stray on-line a bit- little things perhaps in and of themselves. But all of these can indicate a direction in life. Would you be willing today to look at the cumulative choices of your life and ask, "what direction am I headed in?"
A second thought is this: the way we respond to hurt and pain will either bring us life or death. I was saddened and amazed, but not surprised, to read of one family member of the deceased saying in court, "We will never forgive you." I'm sure this raw emotion was and is completely warranted, but I found myself thinking, "how sad. You lost your loved one and now you are in danger of killing your own soul." Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness have a powerful way of working into our psyche and destroying us from within. It has been said that it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. But we are the ones who ultimately pay.
Bitterness or unforgiveness give us the illusion that we are somehow punishing or controlling the one who has hurt us. The truth, however, is that we have no ultimate control over others. We can choose to be bitter and angry, and that other person can also choose not to care. We try to punish them but only punish ourselves. I hope the family member who stated this finds a path to forgiveness- not because Mr. Feeney does or doesn't deserve it, but because I know the power forgiveness has to bring life.
So, perhaps these ramblings will provide some perspective for you today. It's not every day we have a front row seat to watching a life unravel, but when we do it's a good opportunity to learn and to grow.
May your season be marked by Love, Joy and Peace in Christ-
Nick
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Psalm for the Rest of Us: By Heman
If I'm honest, one of the things that frustrates me about the Bible is how it can be so hard to relate to. Burning bushes, parting seas, man-eating fish, and bread from heaven all make for awesome stories. But my life consists of burning toast, parting my daughter's hair, and bread from Safeway. I'm inspired by the miracles, moved by the stories of Christ, and even touched by angels (or at least the stories of them). My life, however, seems so much more...well, normal than that.
That's one of things that draws me to the Psalms. These songs are raw emotions of praise and pain, confidence and confession. These Psalms teach me how to pray and how to find trust amdist the daily grind of life. The Psalms express belief and trust in God in language that I often adopt for myself. Even when I am not feeling the same level of trust as the psalmists, I can speak their words in faith, "God, you are my Rock and my Redeemer."
But I recently ran across a Psalm that may be my new favorite. Psalm 88 starts out like this, "O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day, I come to you by night." So far, pretty typical stuff. The rest of the Psalm sounds like this:
My life is full of troubles...
I am as good as dead...
I am forgotten...
You have thrown me down to the lowest pits...
Your anger weighs me down...
You have driven my friends away...
My eyes are blinded by tears...
O Lord, why do you reject me...
Your terrors paralyze me...
You have taken away my companions...
My life really stinks and you God aren't helping...
Okay, I may have paraphrased that last one, but you get the gist. This is a lament; a man pouring out his heart to God. Now, typically we expect the Psalm to end with some rousing declaration of trust. We are accustomed to these Psalms ending with an "even yet will I trust you" kind of phrase. But for whatever reason, the author (his name is actually Heman) doesn't have it in him to go there. You know how our friend Heman ends?
Darkness is my closest friend.
Amen. End of Psalm. Nothing more. I can only imagine the awkward pause that must of followed the singing of this hymn in ancient Jerusalem.
By now, you might be thinking, "Didn't Nick say this was a new favorite? What kind of weird theology has entered into his brain to make this a favorite?" Fair enough. But here's where I am at. I like knowing that we can go to God, vent, complain and pour out our hearts. And at the end, we don't have to wrap it all up and sound spiritual. God doesn't need us to pander to him with half-hearted sentiments or veiled attempts at praise. To me, this Psalm grants you and I permission to go to God when life is crummy and not walk away expecting some instantaneous pick me up. It's an acknowledgement that sometimes life is hard and God doesn't have to show up and immediately fix my problems. This Psalm reminds me that it's okay to be real and that in some way, shape, or form, God appreciates the honesty.
So, maybe the most spiritual thing you could do today is vent. Tell God how you really feel. And if nothing happens, you can have peace knowing you join a long line of Heman's who have felt the same way. God still hears. God still records every word. And at some point, maybe in the next Psalm, the next day, or the next season, you will see His goodness and faithfulness again.
Until then, I'm glad to be on a journey of faith with other Hemans,
Nick
That's one of things that draws me to the Psalms. These songs are raw emotions of praise and pain, confidence and confession. These Psalms teach me how to pray and how to find trust amdist the daily grind of life. The Psalms express belief and trust in God in language that I often adopt for myself. Even when I am not feeling the same level of trust as the psalmists, I can speak their words in faith, "God, you are my Rock and my Redeemer."
But I recently ran across a Psalm that may be my new favorite. Psalm 88 starts out like this, "O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day, I come to you by night." So far, pretty typical stuff. The rest of the Psalm sounds like this:
My life is full of troubles...
I am as good as dead...
I am forgotten...
You have thrown me down to the lowest pits...
Your anger weighs me down...
You have driven my friends away...
My eyes are blinded by tears...
O Lord, why do you reject me...
Your terrors paralyze me...
You have taken away my companions...
My life really stinks and you God aren't helping...
Okay, I may have paraphrased that last one, but you get the gist. This is a lament; a man pouring out his heart to God. Now, typically we expect the Psalm to end with some rousing declaration of trust. We are accustomed to these Psalms ending with an "even yet will I trust you" kind of phrase. But for whatever reason, the author (his name is actually Heman) doesn't have it in him to go there. You know how our friend Heman ends?
Darkness is my closest friend.
Amen. End of Psalm. Nothing more. I can only imagine the awkward pause that must of followed the singing of this hymn in ancient Jerusalem.
By now, you might be thinking, "Didn't Nick say this was a new favorite? What kind of weird theology has entered into his brain to make this a favorite?" Fair enough. But here's where I am at. I like knowing that we can go to God, vent, complain and pour out our hearts. And at the end, we don't have to wrap it all up and sound spiritual. God doesn't need us to pander to him with half-hearted sentiments or veiled attempts at praise. To me, this Psalm grants you and I permission to go to God when life is crummy and not walk away expecting some instantaneous pick me up. It's an acknowledgement that sometimes life is hard and God doesn't have to show up and immediately fix my problems. This Psalm reminds me that it's okay to be real and that in some way, shape, or form, God appreciates the honesty.
So, maybe the most spiritual thing you could do today is vent. Tell God how you really feel. And if nothing happens, you can have peace knowing you join a long line of Heman's who have felt the same way. God still hears. God still records every word. And at some point, maybe in the next Psalm, the next day, or the next season, you will see His goodness and faithfulness again.
Until then, I'm glad to be on a journey of faith with other Hemans,
Nick
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